The thoughts and feelings of a slave

He has allowed me to write here, my thoughts and feelings.  There are so many as we move along this journey together.  He has shared many of his expectations with me but two keep coming to the forefront.  Obedience and pleasing.  But then, being obedient is pleasing is it not? 

We will get some time together tomorrow.  He has talked about some of the training he will introduce me to at that time.  My stomach is in knots and butterflies.  The knots due to my nerves, knowing what he plans;  The butterflies of excitement for what he plans. 

 They are conflicting emotions really.  The nervousness or even fear as I know he will push my comfort zones.  He will not abuse his power, but he will push me to meet his expectations.  He will use pain and pleasure.  Pain for his pleasure and in pleasing him this way, I in turn will find pleasure.  It is a thought that seems so simple, yet in reality, it doesn’t seem so simple for anyone that hasn’t experienced this dynamic nor someone that does not understand it.

I fear the pain, because I am not what some would call a pain slut.  I will endure the pain to please him.  I will endure things for him that I wouldn’t for any other man.  I will do this because it is for him that I aim to please and serve.

 I am very nervous about tomorrow.  Yet I am anxious and excited because I know that I will find joy in his eyes and actions.

 I am nervous about making sure to do as he wants.  Will I remember every rule, every nuance that he expects.  He tells me not to worry, yet how can I not?  I think every slave worries about pleasing and moreover, fears not pleasing.  Punishment will be brought down, punishment will be asked for by the slave that does error.  It really is the only way to get past those errors, punishment, forgiveness then move forward.

My thoughts are probably rambling and not in any order as there are so many that swirl through my mind.  The need to please and the fear of failing in that.  The fear of punishment even though that punishment will be due and required.  Although I will strive to please him so well there is no need for punishment, I am human and at some point will error somehow.

I must also admit that I fear whether I am ready for this or not.  Natural fear I assume, because I have that need to please him, but to what depths can I?  I have no doubt he will take my submission further than it has been before.  That unkown feeling, that unknown arena can cause a fear and worry of whether or not I can.

To this point, things have had such a natural rhythm between us.  There has all ready been pain surging through my flesh for him at his hand.  There has been the obedient slave and it has been so natural.  Scary at points yes, but the actuality of it just happening seemlessly.

Tomorrow…..scares me…..excites me….scares me……yet the answer is simple, obey and please.

 Tonight he asked me “Where is the fear?  Is it in more than just how much I might want from you?”

 My fear is in some of the things we will experience together tomorrow.  An enema, held in while accepting his pain, what if I cannot hold it in?  The knife that instills fear, what if I flinch the wrong way……….

The fear of giving of myself so freely, so obediently without question, in learning how to please him, handing over that trust to him, trusting he won’t push farther than I can handle……..

Although I have been around D/s for years, he has been longer and had much more experience……can I get to the level, to the point that he needs?

I fear the whole encompassing dynamic, yet I know I will strive to obey and please him with all that I am.  Perhaps I worry whether it will be enough?  I blame that fear on my past, giving all to someone only to have it end.

He will train me how to use my mouth for his pleasure.  He will teach me how to taste him, to lick him, to suck him in the way that is his way…..to never hesitate when he wants my mouth…his object, his toy……I want to learn what he wants me to learn, to taste and swallow everything that comes from his cock.

He mentioned whether I have noticed I have very little ability to resist him compared to when we first met……..how true that is…….and tomorrow……I will be his willing slave, ready for his pain and pleasure. 

Michael’s slave